Dead Or Alive
by tomhiddlesbitch
Summary: PROMT: Steve believes he should have died in the ice. Tony comes to help him. EXPLICIT CONTENT


"I... I can't..." Steve mumbled as he slumped over his knees, clutching the bottle of pills in his hands. Steve was sitting on the floor of the bathroom, back against the wall, that he and Tony shared. It was spacious, bigger than a bathroom made for one person should be. But it was Tony, so what did you expect? Steve's hands were clammy, the orange plastic looked like glass in his hands, he can't drop it. He can't. Steve looked up at the ceiling, his eyes red. His thoughts rushed. He shouldn't be here. He. Should. Have. Died. Why did they have to find him in the ice? Why did he have to leave everything he knew. Everyone he loved.

Steve couldn't stay away. Even if that meant leaving tony, and the rest of the team. But especially tony. Steve loved Tony, he wouldn't have lasted this long without him. But he couldn't stay away from this. He couldn't cheat death any longer.

Steve untwisted the cap of the pill bottle. He knew somewhere in his mind that the pills wouldn't work, that history wouldn't kill him. He didn't care. He just wanted to try. Just try and die.

"J.A.R.V.I.S., where did you say Steve was!" Tony yelled at the A.I. ad he raced to the mansion at 90 mph.

"/He is in the master bathroom, sir. Might I inform you that he is in a deep depression and to be kind to him/"

"Thanks J.A.R.V.I.S., I know." Tony said with a concerned tone in his voice. The only person in the entire world that Tony cared about, might be taken away from him... He shrugged off the thought and concentrated on driving.

Tony didn't even bother to pull into the garage once he reached the mansion. He bounded up the stairs and into the house. He sprinted into the master bedroom, then bathroom, and found Steve sitting on the floor head in his hands. Tony rushed over to him and lifted his head, saw the pills, and threw them out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where they landed on the carpet.

Tony looked at Steve. All hope had been abandoned from his face. The once cheerful and happy face has disappeared to be replaced with a face of sadness and despair. His eyes were bloody red and his cheeks a rosy pink. He looked like he had been sitting here for a while, just going over what he should do.

Steve couldn't even look tony in the eyes when he came into the bathroom. He was ashamed. How had the once strong captain America been reduced to this... This depressed load of crap? He just let tony take the pills out of his hands. He knew that's what was going to happen anyways. When tony lifted Steve's head, he closed his eyes. Unable to even look at him. He had let him down. He had let everyone down. Why did tony have to stop him?

"Steve. Look at me." tony said in as calm a voice he could. "Steve. Please just... Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want to be here anymore." Steve didn't move. He couldn't look tony in the eyes. "Steve. Don't make me yell. Please I can't yell at you, not now." Steve slowly lifted his head up again, to look at tony. This is not the same Steve that tony loves. This is someone else possessing Steve. This can't be him. Tony didn't know what else to do but hug Steve.

"Steve please. Please. Please, don't do this again. Why? Why do you want to leave everyone you love? Why do you want to leave me...?"

"I just..." he said with a quiver in his voice, "I shouldn't have been found in the ice. I should have died. I should not be alive today. Why don't I just fix the universes mistake." Steve could barley look at tony. But he stayed transfixed in Tony's eyes while he was talking.

"Steve... Why didn't you tell me this before? I could have hired the best therapists in the count- no the world!" tony said very rushed.

"no tony, I don't want your fancy therapists. I don't want any of this! I just don't want anything. I only want you. But I can't have you. I shouldn't be allowed to have something like you. I just shouldn't be alive anymore." the last six words came out as a whisper. Tony had sat down next to Steve, but got up to stand infront of him. he looked him straight in his big blue eyes, now red from tears and said "Steve. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. One of the only /good/ things. I can't loose you this quickly. I just... can't." Tony stood transfixed on the blue orbs and leaned forward, leaving les then and inch between their lips.

"tony... I-" Steve was cut off by tony softly pressing his lips onto Steve's. For tony, the world melted away around them. Nothing else mattered, five minutes ago did not matter. The only thing that was important now was the lack of space in between them.

Steve pulled away from Tony's kiss. He couldn't do this. He couldn't Love him. He wasn't supposed to. Steve turned away, and tony pulled his chin back to face him. "Steve, don't do this. You were found for a reason." tony was stiffening filing back tears, "you are," he grabbed Steve's head "the kindest, most caring, wonderful man I have ever met. I used to be in your position. But instead I'd have a gun to my head in a drunken rage wondering why the fuck I couldn't have died instead of them. Why I had to be in school. Why.." tony was sobbing into Steve's big warm chest, he couldn't make this about him. Why did he have to make every thing he did all about him? What did Tasha call it? Oh right, textbook narcissism.

Steve lifted Tony from his chest, "Tony... Your the best thing that's ever happened to me. But.. This world is do different from mine and I just. I don't want to be here anymore, but your keeping me here. It's all you Tony. Only you. Everything else Is a blur."

Tony looked up at Steve, somehow he managed to blurt out a very small "I love you, Steve."

Steve looked at Tony with surprise, he'd never heard Tony tell anyone he loved them. Steve was convinced that tony had never even told his own dad that he loved him. "I love you too." Steve replied, as he grabbed Tony and held him in his arms. Tony looked up at Steve from the place in his arms, Steve looked down at tony. Steve slowly leaned in and brushed his lips against Tony's. Tony leaned into Steve's lips and pressed himself against his body. Steve lifted Tony onto his lap and kissed him harder. Tony reached into Steve's shirt and felt his stomach. Steve wrapped his arms around Tony, picked him up led him back into the bedroom, passing the still full pill bottle on the rug. Steve payed tony down on the bed and continued kissing his neck and lips. Tony kissing back


End file.
